oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
