'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
