her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
