The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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