I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize