I'm passing your future prison.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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