I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Randomize
