After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
