so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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