I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
