She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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