The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Randomize
