So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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