I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
