i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
