dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
