Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
