I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
