so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
ok first of all what the fuck
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
