My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
