It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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