i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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