im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize