I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
