She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
