dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
