I'm really into asian looking animals
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
