She went from zero to smokin in five shots
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
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