What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I smell like Dick and happiness
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
