im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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