He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
