I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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