update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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