this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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