I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
