bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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