If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
