Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
