community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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