i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
