You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
