Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
