so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
