So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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