I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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