im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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