I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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