do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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