Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
