Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
