these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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