Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
