I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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