i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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