Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
