So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
