He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
BRING THE BAGELS
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
