You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
