There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
you will always have a special place in my vag
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
